Mouse and I would like to wish Raymi a very happy birthday!!

ALL SMILES

you got the heart consolation prize for having just survived

I got something in the mail today!!!!!!! And so beautifully wrapped! I love the personalized touch! What could it be…….

It’s a cute cluch from madebyhank. Katie Henry makes the cutest purses that I have become obsessed with!!! Unfortunately the best ones sell out soo quick from he etsy shop. I even subscribed to her store feed but yet again missed the coveted round bottom purses!

But I am sooo happy to have this guy in my possession!! I was so excited to open the package that i failed to notice that my roof is leaking again! I was blinded by the purses beauty that i failed to see the puddle on the floor or notice my feet (and shoulder) were wet!!! Stupid weather, stupid flooding, yay madebyhank purses!!!!!

I chickened out. . . or maybe it wasn’t time. Progress none the less.
We went to see RIP – a remix Manifesto it was super good.

I am kinda buzzing. A little sad i didn’t say it, a little nervous about doing it. I guess i am a little confused but also a little floaty-cloud 9 tingly feeling. I’ll just give it time i guess. I mean there is no rush, if this is going to happen time is not going to hinder. This is not a race.
nervous sigh, relief sigh, happy sigh, sigh

I really shouldn’t feel bad about taking days off work. Although these are unpaid days and I have a habit of shopping “off -line” (aka off the online). But my dad said he would pay me to help him pack up my grandma’s apartment and move her stuff out – she’s in a nursing home now. I really am helping my dad out, although i can’t find him and i havent done anything today since i dont have a car.

Anyways I shouldn’t feel bad about taking days off work – my job is totally soul crushing and i have begun to hate the person that i have become since working there. It’s just the feeling of coming into a cubicle every day, surrounding by people a lot older than me, with very different objectives than me aka having babies and husbands, and sitting there all day not seeing the outside at all aka no sunlight, and doing unfulfiling work and then coming home and feeling like shit and end up watching tv all night and then doing it again and again and again. I know that i do not want an office job for the rest of my life and am so thankful that i got into that masters program next fall. Even though it will be a ton of work, hopefully it will be interesting and fulfilling and i will be among my peers again!!!!

Kelly sent you a message.

——————–
Subject: LOVE NOTE RESPONSSSSSE

It’s Joel??? I didn’t know you felt that way! Honestly, since I’ve gotten to know him, he’s changed. In a good way. And I think it might have something to do with you. I got to see a new, nicer, side of Joel once you guys met.

Also, Kayli, Annika, Ryan and I all said when you guys met for the first time in West Hawk that you would hit it off. You have similar interests and both have strong personalities. Two strong personalities does lead to confrontation…many confrontations, but what fun is life without a bit of conflict? A little bit of argument…friendly fire, if you will, is good for the soul. Keeps things interesting. Keeps you on your toes.

If you’re looking for my advice – I’d say go for it. Have a conversation with him and find out what’s going on in his head.

I have a feeling that he does like you…you know…a wee bit more than a friend. I mean, he responds to your beckon call! You call him to go to readymix? He’s there. It just seems that whenever you want him around, he’s there, and I think that means something.

i think i am drunk. I just chugged a beer in the shower after work and i think i am drunk. I thought about him a lot today and what i should do, or how to do is maybe the question. I mean i know i should but when and how. I am obvious not going to sit here pining for him for an extended period of time. I wanna know and move on if he doesn’t still have feelings. But obviously I am going to wait for a good moment and maybe let things unfold a bit more naturally before i rush to conclusions. omg Ellen is soooo funny. i got distracted sitting here in a towel. funny game they played wearing lifejackets attached with elastic to one another. See I am drunk,……. awwww i want thinks to work out…….. trying to remember what went wrong other than i didn’t care at the time.

An open love letter:

I have had the opportunity, unfortunate or fortunate, to meet a lot of people in my life that I really, really loved. I don’t know why I met these people or why it never worked out between us, and the fact that I didn’t work out is very different from the very true feelings that I had for them. I loved them and cared for them deeply and there were many people who witnessed these accounts. People who know me, know that I fell (and felt) very hard for these people. You see the thing is, after meeting so many people that I really liked, and loved and had things in common with, that I bonded with and talked intimately with, after experiencing so much of this, I thought that I could fall in love with anyone. That perhaps it wasn’t these people it was me, the common denominator right? I don’t know why none of these relationships worked out, but that was never the point.

Needless to say, when I met you and again felt these feelings of closeness and intimacy with you, I didn’t think anything of it. I never thought that there was a “specialness” to these feelings I felt. I had felt these same feelings of hope and closeness and longing with so many people before that I did not think they were special; I thought they were feelings that I had the ability to just experience with anybody.

At that time in my life I was not ready for a relationship, I didn’t want a relationship, but you did, or thought you did and I felt pressure. I didn’t disregard all my feelings as nothing and I gave it a go. We all know how that went.

There were some very special tiny moments that pop in my mind from that time together. Lying in my cottage bed, feeling so close. I felt so close to you. And the bad that happened then, in the long term never affected a thing. We were both in bad places at the time. It wasn’t the right time and I will never deny that. It was very obvious. But I don’t regret it, ever.

Even thought it has only been six months I feel as though we have both grown and changed in very positive ways during that time. It took me trying to start a relationship with a very nice, caring, sweet, doting man to realize that perhaps those feelings I felt with people in past, that perhaps they weren’t so common, perhaps they were rare and I was one of the lucky few who got to experience such intimacy in close proximity with a beautiful handful. It took me trying to start a relationship with a wonderful person who loved me for me to realize that I couldn’t feel that closeness with just anyone.

Not anyone can make me feel as you have made and continue to make me feel through our current friendship, which I would never do anything to jeopardize. Our friendship is always number one, but I also can’t deny this closeness I get glances at when we are around each other. And I can’t help thinking (or maybe its hoping) that this is also apparent to you.

I feel that we have reached this harmony in our togetherness and all the negativity that we experienced last summer only existed in that different place and time. There was this really beautiful moment a few weeks ago between us and I don’t know if either of us or both of us were aware of it. I assumed you were sleeping and maybe you thought the same thing. But we were sleeping in my bed and it was crowded and at one point I thought, “oh fuck it!” and I put my hand on your chest to get more comfortable and you proceeded to pick up my hand and find the perfect place for it on top of you. And even though you may have been asleep, it was still a beautiful moment in time. I want to make more beautiful moments with you.