i am in a bloody bad moooooood. first it’s raining, second the car ride home from the lake sucked, third when i came back my garett had cancelled our plans, fourth there was also a text from him last night wanting to hang out and a vm from joel wanting to hang out aka if i didnt go to the lake yesterday i could have had fun.
so now i just fell trapped in this fucking house with nothing to do, no one to hang out with, and no one to get drunk with, i neeed to blow off steam!! it is very important to do that on the weekends because i do nothing but work all week and have pent up eneergy…..so fuck it… i think i need to grab fun when i find it, even if it is during the week because i feel like shit right now. i hate feelin trapped, no where to go etc. errrrrrrr i need to let off steam!!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!

lets forget some of the things i said last night……..
i was angry, thats all…..

he apologized and came back over after he helped out his friends, apparently the text was more dramatic then what was happening, so he came back over and brought snacks and surprises (kinder surprise egg to share and some candy). and we watched harold and Kumar 2, it was funny.
he went home around 3am (had to get up at like 7 for work!) and said lets hang out soon and hugged me goodbye. so good ending afterall…..

fuck
so my date lasted a totall of less than 2 hrs!!!
the sad part was that i thought it was going really well…..and i got drunk somehow after 2 pints (and a glass of white wine at home)…..
i am pissed…in more then one way
so i think its going good, he runs out money and then i say waht now aka open for more dating time and then he says walk arounnd..but we walk back to his car and he conviently gets this text from a friend needing his help right before…woah zoned out there…. he drops me off and hes like would you be mad if i just dropped you off……my friends need rides (?) and shit (?????) so he drops me off but says quickly,,,,but lets hang out soon…… and i non-chalently -obviously disapointed say-ya sure…and he comments on my lack of enthusiasm and i say have a good night and then dont go in for a hug or anything remotely close to touching him, get out of the car, he zooms off as soon as i get out. and oh! when he picks me up, he calls from his car that he is outside…(parked!)….wtf and also there were 3 cars with lights on parked outside at the time….seriously!!! man not impressed…but i guess that is the point….. anyways i used kristens method and deleted him out of my phone so i won;t be drawn to call him…cause now i cant!! well i could go on msn and hope for the best but seriously if he wants to see me he can call me…..

but weird on the date he has like 3 numbers of mine in his phone and wanted to confirm he had the right one and that his textes went through ok…and then proceeded to send me 3……

i mean if he really wanted to hang out he would…like brought me along….or ignored his friends…. it was too convenient…. and to think i ditched others for him….

anyways i dont think we would make too good of a match anymore…
i think it is refreshing to have a bad date once and awhile…..

kristen compared it to the hills esp the part where dylan shows up at the bar we are at and i kinda ditched him for the date….i ignored him…pretended not to notice him and i think he did the same……….

This is all hard for me because you are too great. You listen and try to reason while in the past that all never happened. And at the same time I realize our differences. It’s just hard because when guys in the past knew I felt a certain way for them that they didn’t feel -they would go a running and you are not, which doesn’t mean you feel any different then them.
And you feel so great to me. which is why I rather sit here and feel shitty knowing that we will eventually hang out then knowing that we will never again.
I am a very intensely emotional person and fall for people easily. I just want to love you. But that is not what is going to happen and I try so hard to distract myself from you with other people. But other people do not make me feel the same way. (you are just too great, despite your occasional shittyness).
What is the difference between a relationship and a serious relationship. I just want to hold you and know that you will be with me– when you don’t want intensity. I should stop because I am drunk. I have never been in a serious relationship and that is not what I am jumping to with you. For me in the past a relationship has been a 4 month barely serious fling. I am not pressing you to be with me forever, I just want to be with you now. An occasional now.
God I hate the way you feel now and the way I feel now. I want us to reconcile emotions. Goddamnit it will not happen and I will cry some more. I just want to be with you–in some metaphoric bond– my longest relationship in the last 5 years was 4 months—and that was a “serious” relationship to me. Our definitions are different. I should not even send this…i will stop now..

I was walking through a book store in chicago and they had a section of books on cats. It reminded me of when we would sit on your couch and read that old school book on kittens.
I came home from tour the other day and went to buy groceries. I pictured running into you in fruit du parc, when I got there, there you actually were, by the cooler, I started to shake. I almost ran away but instead ran to the back of the store, when I got my salad dressing I went to the counter but you were still there so I walked slowly until you were gone, heading back home. I think you were with ben. Those cross tattoos stared me down. I wanted to say hi but didn’t.

A fucking week ago:

Brendan: what does this switch do
me: I dunno
Brendan flips switch repeatedly

Today (about 20 mins ago)
Old man: your parking light is on
me: what the fuck is a parking light
me: how the fuck do you turn it off
I read owners manual
me: oh that’s what that switch does….
Car battery: I am dead…
me: ah fuck…

My god…… It already feels like forever ago since I got wasted, wandered to my tent, found myself alone, felt lonely and sad and rambled to you on the phone….sorry about that….

I am soo exhausted…we all want to shoot each other…maybe we just want to shoot the car….. TENSION ggrrrrrr hopefully a couple days -2 full ones- in chicago, without going in the car will revive us…we only drove like 4 hrs today and emotions are high….

But other than that I am having a pretty awesome time. I just got to stop and breathe and then I realize how awesome this whole experience is…but sometimes it is hard…

Barn Bash was great, we have met a lot of great people and sold a lot of cds.
Our show tonight was really great too, I was super tired and I have sun stroke- I badly burnt myself today- and hadnt eaten anything and I was about to faint when the venue we played at (this awesome art space in a church community centre) fed us home made vegan food….mmmmm…. Our show was also recorded tonight so I am excited to hear it….however my between song banter wasn’t so witty and at one point while changing instruments I smacked myself in the nose really hard with my guitar…..sigh
I think sleep with do us all good… Tonight is a step up from the tent to on an air mattress with brendan in my cousins living room with 2 other random guys sleeping on the couches… I think I am going to make myself a night cap now…..

Miss you and thanks for talking to me in my insane state last night– at least I wasn’t the only drunk one…Brendan passed out in a chair in front of the loud music, lost his harmonica, was carried and put to bed, woke up in the middle of the night -asked why I was honking- and decided to lie across sarah and I as I told sarah bedtime stories of reality mtv shows….
Okay I rambled enough.
So I don’t think we are playing in toronto but you should come down to Guelph – we are playing a house show there on the 21st…it will be fun and I would love to see you…..

Xoxo

char

HEY I AM ALREADY AWAKE….wait shit I should go back to bed….this hangover errr I mean day isn’t going so well…….i guess ending your night on the floor of the green room isn’t always the best idea…..